


Before

by Bagell



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:30:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bagell/pseuds/Bagell
Summary: "MagnusI need you to answer me. Are you happy?"





	Before

“Magnus,” Alec says, taking his hands with some sort of horrifying finality. Everything, everything feels like this now. “I need you to answer me. Are you happy?”

Magnus can’t look at him. He’s already gone through this once, already completely broke and crashed like someone who isn’t _Magnus Bane_ once, already keeled forward into Alec and barrelled into him while grasping on more tight than he ever has before. He can’t do that again.

So he _pleads_. “Alexander, I… please. Please, don’t.” It’s soft and rough and layered thick in that way that Alec hasn’t heard before these months and the only way they’ve heard these months. There are commas, pauses between each word, almost each syllable, filled in with pain until it’s set to burst in a sad, impactless little happenstance.

So Alec, still holding Magnus’ hands, doesn’t squeeze. If anything, his touch becomes farther away. He is holding back and Magnus knows it is supposed to be for his sake but he doesn’t know how.

Alec does not make Magnus look at him.

“Okay,” he says. Why does that sound more final than anything he’s heard?

He chances a look up. Not directly at Alexander, not yet, but he tries looking closer. “Okay? Okay what? What’s going on?” 

He doesn’t know there is anything going on, has no inkling there is but the world has been moving faster than he can hope to keep up with at his _useless_ still heap so he _must_ , must ask at any opportunity though it hurts.

Alec shutters his eyes closed. He squeezes, finally, but the barest amount. A brush of his fingers. “All I’ve ever wanted, all I want, is for you to be happy.”

A denial, a protest, an ‘ _I’m not_ ’ is at his tongue, choking him when Alec speaks again. His hand surges forward to cup Magnus’ cheek and jaw, like he can’t stop it. “I didn’t know you long before I kissed you the first time.”

Magnus doesn’t know what’s happening.

“And you were right that that was for me.

“But what we have has grown more and more and been added to over and over.

“Until this.

“And I don’t blame you. Not in the slightest. That isn’t, _cannot_ , cannot ever be what this is.

“I remember what you’ve told me.

“Stories and tragedies and things that every second I’m so grateful you’ve told me, because in those moments you bared your heart to me, and every time you’ve done that has made me happier in this world, has made me a better man, and the man I am today.

“Sometimes I am sorry I couldn’t be even better for you.”

His hand grips tighter, and Magnus can’t speak. Alec’s other hand comes to join, and suddenly it feels as if all words are caught, like Magnus is being choked by the hold of Alec’s palms and fingers gripping his jaw.

“Magnus,” he says, and even the name hurts. _Why_ does the name hurt and _why_ does Alec wince like he does right now? Speak like he does right now? “Despite all you’ve told me of your past.” 

He gulps, and it looks more like a desperate gasp or something of the sort.

“You always turned a smile my way.”

Magnus might sob.

“You flirted, you called me pretty boy, you smiled incredulously to yourself at each of my reactions.

“Despite your expressions every time I was a fucking _asshole_ ,” Alec laughs at the word. “To you, every time you were vulnerable.” 

He pauses, and Magnus can hear both their breaths too loud.

“You were never the way you are now.”

Something in Magnus breaks.

Alec’s hands smooth, some part of them still twitching to grasp and hold at him, but trying to smooth over his cheeks and remove themselves.

“I need you to be _happy_.

“I want that more than anything else this goddamn universe can provide.”

He swipes forward, quickly, again as if he can’t stop himself, and Magnus feels lips against his forehead before suddenly all of Alec’s touch is gone, his arms falling down to feel and depart from Magnus’ hands last.

“Magnus,” he says, and this time neither of them can hide or deny how utterly broken he sounds. But he is still held together, resolute for a reason Magnus does not understand. He doesn’t even know what is happening.

“I’m leaving you,” Alec says. It is the worst thing Magnus has ever heard. Magnus thinks, knows Alec will say something else, sees in the shift of his steps that he will.

Until he steps backwards through a portal, and someone else comes in.

Magnus doesn’t know what’s happening.

He’s sure he recognizes those shoes, that cane.

But he doesn’t look up.

He hasn’t all this time.

He couldn’t face the pain.

Look where it’s gotten him.

Magnus does not know what is happening.

**Author's Note:**

> im not quite sure what this is tbh. it's rather haphazard (like all my other writing lmao) 
> 
> i cried while writing it


End file.
